Trouble
Jerome Pearson
2024 UPDATE
The story is often told of a farmer who went to town Friday evening to pay some bills and secure another loan. Once in town, he visited the creditor from whom he had received one of his loans and who was managing his finances.
To his disappointment, the farmer was informed that he could not borrow additional money for supplies for the upcoming year’s crops. The creditor had already granted him several extensions, which were not being met. This delinquency was not due to the farmer’s negligence but rather to an apparent stroke of back luck stemming from several seasons of bad weather that affected his crops: it was cold when it should have been hot, hot when it should have been cold; dry when it should have been wet, and flooding when it should have been dry.
He was a good man who served as a Deacon in his Church and whose only sin was that of surreptitiously sipping a bit of corn liquor now and again and, when convenient, looking a little too hard and too long at the way some of the more flirtatious church women flaunted their various attributes like forbidden fruits. He was honest about his shortcomings, and it was not his fault because, in his eyes, they would often wear dresses that clung to their various figures in such a revealing fashion that, in his mind, could only have been deliberate.
If it were not for these particular distractions, he might even be considered an excellent Christian. And he, like most men starting with Adam in the Garden of Eden, could not help but fantasize about what he did not have or has yet to be explored. But hey, “Let him, without sin, cast the first stone.”
Usually, because the town was so far away from his home, he would stay at a local cheap hotel and return home the next morning. However, on this particular trip, he decided to return home this Friday night due to the disappointing news he received. What was the use of spending more on a hotel when he was already in debt?
On the other hand, while the farmer was away, his wife, who always remained at home, did what she usually does when he was away; that is to say, she entertained one or more of her lovers. She was much younger than the farmer, and although she attended church regularly, she was not as devout as some of the other wives, most of whom she saw as hypocrites. They were jealous because of her youth and the way their husbands seemed unable to prevent themselves from tripping over one another to be able to stand close to her presence. After church services, she was the person every man wanted to wish a “good afternoon.”
She ran a tight shift with her lovers, and when her husband was away, they were each given an appointed time to grace her company. These lovers did not care that they would often run into each other as they were coming or leaving, mainly because they felt so blessed with the bit of time granted that it overcame whatever natural jealousy might have arisen.
On this particular Friday evening, the first lover to arrive had the incredibly unique name “Trouble.” Trouble came in and sat down on a sofa. He was offered a beer, which he accepted. Their conversation centered on trivial things, such as what kind of car “Trouble” was driving and how old it was. “Trouble” told her that his car was completely paid for and that there were no payments. He was so proud of himself for this rather unusual accomplishment.
After Trouble had been there for approximately thirty minutes, there was another knock at the door, to his disappointment. The wife looked out the window and realized it was another lover named “Such as That.” She immediately realized that she had gotten her times mixed up on this evening, which was bound to cause some overlapping; thus, having the unfortunate scenario that each lover would arrive 30 minutes earlier than she had planned. She told “Trouble” that her husband was outside and that he needed to hide in the closet.
“Such As That” was greeted at the door, and while he suspected some concern on the Lady’s face, he was so happy that he overlooked it. Again, as she had with the first her first lover, she offered him a beer from the refrigerator where she had stocked a case earlier during the day. “Such As That” began telling her about his rough day, how his wife was such a pain in the “you know what” and how he had a sound mind to send her packing back to her mother. The farmer’s wife feigned interest but was distracted by the fact that she knew that the 3rd lover would be arriving soon.
As expected, the 3rd love, “Someone,” showed up about 30 minutes later. The Farmer’s wife knew it would be him, but again told “Such AS That” that her husband was outside and needed to hide behind the Piano.
“Someone” was then let in. He walked into the living room with a big grin, not believing his good luck to be out on a Friday night without his wife knowing where he was. He told his wife he would be out with the “boys.” It had been a long week, and it was so pleasant to “keep company” with a woman as fine as the Farmer’s wife. He turned down the beer and opted for a swig of corn liquor instead. He was grinning ear to ear and telling her lies about how much money he was making and how he was going to be leaving his wife as soon as their last kid turned four. He was beginning to doubt that the last baby was his anyway; not only did the little boy have nappy hair (peasy, as it was called), but he was also turning out to be too dark to have even an iota of genes from his “high yellow complected” family.
About 30 minutes later, to her very surprise, there was a fourth person, which was truly unexpected since she had only three appointments. She heard a car pull into the yard, a door slammed shut, and the visitor walked towards her house. She then drew back the curtains, looked out of her window, and, to her dismay, recognized her husband, the farmer, who was not supposed to be back until Saturday. She nervously but quickly told “Someone” that he had to hide underneath the bed because, this time, truthfully, her husband was on the porch, much to her shock.
The Farmer walked in looking very distraught. He sat down on the sofa, his face resting in the palm of his hands. Still worrying about his inability to get the loan and what might happen to his farm, he finally confessed to his wife: “Honey, I see trouble!”
“Trouble,” thinking he was being referred to, immediately jumped out of the closet, knocked down the door, and ran out of the house. Surprised, the Farmer jumped up and asked, “What was such as that?”
“Such as That, “now thinking he was being referred to, jumped through the piano, ripped out the keys, and crashed through the window. The Farmer then turned to his wife and said, “Honey, if you don’t tell me what’s going on up in here, I am going to wind up killing “Someone.”
“Someone” immediately jumped from underneath the bed, carrying the box-spring mattress, sheets, and bedspread as he sped out the door.
The wife then replied: “Oh, my poor baby! “Someone” has been causing you so much “trouble” “such that,” I think you are beginning to have hallucinations.”
Jerome Pearson